WARNING: S:AAB is property of Fox. Kopitiam is a local Malaysian sitcom set in a 'kopitiam'- coffeeshop, which is chockful of very local Malaysian humour. A treat to watch!!

There's nothing in here that explains how the 58th appear in the Kopitiam. They are just there, and the Kopitiam gang thinks they are actors. This is very Malaysian humour, and has bits that are integral to every Kopitiam episode. So, if you think we overdo it, wait till you watch the real thing! Incidentally, it's on Monday at 9pm on NTV7. So, watch it and see if we captured the characters as well as we thought we did! ;)

NOTE: No offence against Singaporeans or Malaysians intended. This is simply culture stereotyping taken to the extreme.

And with a round of applause to Garry for putting it all together after the chat, drumroll please, sit back, relax and enjoy that refreshing cup of kopi-o coz from the funny-bones of Garry and Spar, we ask you to please....

Tell Our Moms... We Went to the Kopitiam-lah!

-by the caffeine-guzzling duo, Sparhawk and Garuda-

[Stephen looks at Cooper's hair in despair]

Stephen: [cringe] Aiyoh! You call that a haircut-ah? What did you use? A rat-ah?
Cooper: Does this guy speak English?
Wang: Maybe he has a speech problem?
Kong: [points at Wang] Eh look! Got Chinese actor one. You think he can act-ah? Maybe like Jackie Chan, ah?
Chan: Eh Kong. He's too skinny-lah.
Kong: Yah-lah. And that actress also... [sighs] Actresses nowadays... no body at all! So thin only, like lidi. Now, Rose Chan, *there's* a woman with a SEXY body...

[In the background]

Cooper: Who's Jackie Chan?
West: Beats me.

[All turn to McQueen]

McQueen: Er... He's not in the World War Two military books...
Vansen: [sarcastic] We're so glad we brought you along to help, sir.
McQueen: Were you trying to be funny, Lieutenant?
Vansen: [straight-faced] No, sir. Merely stating our appreciation, sir.
Chan: Queen, or whoever you are, why your hair so white when you look so young? Too much stress ah?
Kong: Yah-lah. Chan is so old already only have white hair.
Chan: Oi! Who are you calling old, you pensioner, you!
Susan: [frantically shushing Chan and Kong] Oh, I don't know, he looks... dignified.

[Susan makes goo-goo eyes at McQueen]

Kong: [aside to Chan] Eh, Chan. Why is his name Queen, ah? You don't think... [both men turn and look at McQueen who is trying to avoid Susan]
Both men: ... Nah! Cannot be-lah.
Marie: [desperate smile] Here're your orders, sirs, madames. [to Coop, smiling sweetly] Would you like anything else?

[In the background, a customer signals at Marie, but is ignored]

Customer #1: Excuse me...
Susan: Shh!
Customer#1: Er... I'd like to place my order now...
Marie: [distractedly] In a minute!
Customer #1: I'd like a... uh... [trails off]

[At the Wild Cardsí table]

Wang: [nudges Coop] Don't you thinks she's cute? Ow! [rubs at ribs, glaring at Phousse, who looks innocently back]
Joe: Are you really actors? You know, I acted in this advertisement once...
West: Actors?
Phousse: [gently] We're not actors.
Joe: Of course! You're an *actress* one mah.

[Phousse looks pleadingly at Vansen]

Vansen: Don't look at me, ask Paul to talk to him.
Wang: Hey!
West: We are Marines, uh... whatever your name is, civilian.
Joe: Wah! Really ah? Marines! [aside to Stephen] Eh, what's Marines ah? Swimmers, ah?
Stephen: Heh! How can be swimmers? Swimmers wear swimming trunks right?

[Coop jumps up and recites Marine pledge]

Coop: [bewildered] Where did *that* come from??!!
Wang: Maybe it's the coffee.

[Meanwhile, the Kopitiam gang applauds]

Kong: Wah! So chim one!
McQueen: [wipes a tear from eye] I knew he would do me proud one day.

[The rest of the 58th look weirdly at their coffee]

Wang: I *knew* it.
West: Maybe IVs are allergic to this coffee?
Vansen: God knows, but we'd better do something. West, Wang, remove the coffee from Coop and McQueen. Phousse, distract them.
Phousse: How?!
Vansen: I don't know, whatever! Do a striptease if you have to!

[Marie and Susan jostle West and Wang]

Susan: Let me. [sweet smile]
Marie: No, let ME!
Susan: Marie, you look tired. Why don't I do it?
Marie: [sweet smile] Susan, this is MY Kopitiam, IíLL clear the tables!

[In the background]

Chan: Eh, Kong. got Rose Chan show-lah!
Stephen: [aside to bewildered McQueen] If only they were so enthusiastic on normal days.
Kong: Ya-lor, maybe they'll start MAKING money for a change.

[The fight begins to degenerate]

Susan: I'M paying for HALF of it!
Marie: You Singaporeans are so calculative!
Susan: Well, if it wasn't for us Singaporeans, no one would even know WHERE Malaysia is!
Marie: Well, maybe then we'll stop being associated with kiasu Singaporeans!
West: Umm... Shane? Maybe we should grab Coop and the Colonel and go.
Phousse: [wide-eyed] Yeah... I can see major explosions ahead. And I mean MAJOR.
Vansen: [nervous] I think so too. Now, if you'd like to take the Colonel's other arm... How come they fell *asleep* after drinking that coffee?
Wang: Do you really want to know?
Vansen: [pause] No.

[The 58th drag their squadron mate and commanding officer away, taking advantage of the distraction]

Susan: Well, at least we are well-known. He's with them, I'm sure he's Singaporean.
Marie: Him? Judging from his good looks, I'll bet heís Malaysian!

[They turn to Wang, who freezes, holding on to Coopís arm]

Both girls: So, you're Malaysian/Singaporean, right?

[The girls glare at each other]

Wang: [deer-in-the-car-headlights look] Umm... err... actually, I'm Filipino-American.

[Both girls look disgusted]

Susan: See? I told you he's not Malaysian!
Marie: Well, he isn't Singaporean either!
Vansen: [whispers] Quick! We can make it out the door if we hurry!
Stephen: [bars door] Eh? Going so soon? But you haven't heard me sing! [strums guitar]
West: Oh, shit.
Stephen: [sings off-key] Only you...
Vansen: Damn.
Wang: The pain... make the pain stop...
Stephen: Can make all my dreams come true... Only you....
Phousse: Guys? Coop and McQueen are waking uuuuuuup.....
Cooper: Wha...? What's that? Are Chigs attacking us?
McQueen: [eyes fly open] Battlestations!! Weíre under attack!
Vansen: Sir? Watch that fist! It's not--[THWACK! KERRASH!]
Kopitiam gang: STEPHEN!
Stephen: [hides behind Marie] Wah! So fierce one, ah!
Chan: Wah! Kong, did you see that?
Kong: Like kungfu sifu only one!
Chan: Eh! Maybe HE's like Jackie Chan.
Kong: No, no. More like Bruce Lee!

[Meanwhile, Vansen desperately tries to calm down the disoriented Coop and McQueen]

Vansen: [picking shards of a former guitar off her flightsuit] Sir? Coop? Dammit, listen to me! [hisses to Phousse] YOU try!
Phousse: And do what?! A striptease??!!
Wang: I'D like to see THAT.

[Phousse and Vansen glare at him]

Wang: On second thoughts...
West: Guys? We have a problem here. Two, actually. [gestures at Coop and McQueen]

[McQueen's wary eyes search the kopitiam. Suddenly, he catches sight of his cup of coffee. He dodges Vansen, brushes past West and lunges for the coffee]

58th: NO-OOOOooo!!!
Marie: [sweetly] Would you like a fresh girl-- err, cup, sir?
Susan: [extra sweetly] Marie will make you one while I keep you company.

[Fortunately, Marie and Susan get in McQueen's way and Vansen dives for the table]

McQueen: [does flickering eyeball thing] What do you think, we're back on the block smokin' and jokin'? Hear this loud and clear, Marine -- I am not your 'guy'. I'm not your Joe, I'm not your damn drinking buddy... [to Susan and Marie] and I sure as hell am not a mark in a singles bar. You hear this CFB -- I am not here to make friends! When this war ends, and [to Damphousse] you go back to raise money for charity, and [to Wang] you're eating dogs at Wrigley, and [to West] you go back to Mayberry, I'm still going to be out here waiting for the next one. That's why I'm here. That's what I'm good for.

[The 58th cringe, having heard all this before. Vansen catches the coffee and quickly dumps it into the potted plant. The unlucky plant withers and shrivels up]

Joe: [blur look] Eh, of course his name is not Joe, lah. I'M Joe, what.
All: SHUT UP!

THE END

© Copyrighted 1998
Compiled and edited by Garuda and Sparhawk


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